


Feelings In A Song

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-19
Updated: 2003-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:53:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12081444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A song inspires Brian & Justin, but everything isn't what it appears to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

“What are you listening to?” Justin asked as he stepped into the loft. Brian was sitting on the couch, joint in hand, listening to Bob Marley.

“How can you not know Marley?” Brian asked, giving Justin a funny look before setting down his joint and standing from his seated position and starting to sway to the music. “Ooh, it’s been a long, long time… I got this message for you, girlie.” He started singing as he swayed his way over to Justin. “I want to give you some good, good lovin’.”

“You’ve lost your fucking mind.” Justin laughed as he let himself be moved over to the living room. Soon, he was dancing along with Brian and reveling in Brian singing in his ear.

“Ooh, I love you. And I want you to know right now… I want to give some love… I want to give you some good, good lovin'… Oh I… Oh I… Oh I… I want to give you some good, good lovin.” Brian sang as he ran his lips along Justin’s jaw.

“You are so sexy like this.” Justin’s voice was a little raspy. Brian grinned and moved away. “Where are you going?”

“To put this song on repeat so I can take you to bed.” Brian smiled as he did as he said he was going to and moved back to his lover. “Come on, baby… Let’s see if I can give you some good, good lovin.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem.” Justin laughed as Brian hoisted him into his arms and carried him to the bedroom.

“Turn your lights down low. Never try to resist, oh no.” Brian sang playfully as he did a little strip tease to the beautiful reggae music. He kept singing until he was sashaying around the room naked as Justin watched him hungrily.

“Come to bed.” Justin urged. Brian complied and crawled onto the bed, licking his way up Justin’s, now naked, body. “You should listen to this music more often.” Justin sighed as Brian licked circles around his nipples.

“You like how I am when I’m listening to Marley? Being all mellow?” He teased before sucking deeply on the younger man’s nipple.

“Mmm… yah… This music is sexy.” Justin threw his head back as Brian moved his head back down his lover’s body, circling his navel with soft strokes of his tongue before moving lower and capturing Justin’s dick between his lips. Justin concentrated on the sensations Brian was creating as the sensuous music flowed into his ears.

Brian used his tongue and his lips to make Justin grasp the sheets and curl his toes. When the young artist was about to cum, Brian lifted his lips and grinned mischievously. “All in good time, baby. All in good time. We’re going to take it slow tonight, like the song.”

“In other words, you’re going to kill me.” Justin groaned and pressed his face against the pillow.

“I’m gunna give you some good, good lovin.” Brian teased as he ran his fingertips ever so gently along Justin’s skin, leaving a trail of goose pimples. “Never try to resist, oh no.” Brian sang along as he teased Justin.

“Please, Brian… I need… more…”

“I love you… and I want you to know right now.” Brian sang before capturing Justin’s lips with his own. They kissed passionately as the song played and filled the loft. Justin was sure that he and Brian had never made love this way, seemingly moving to the music, completely taking their time. He decided that he liked it.

Justin gently rolled Brian onto his back beneath him. “Oh, let my love come tumbling in… into our lives again… Singin’…Ooh, I love ya’….” The younger man sang as he ran his lips down the side of Brian’s neck. 

“I love you, too.” Brian whispered almost inaudibly before grabbing Justin’s hips and changing their positions. As Brian lubed himself, Justin squirmed anxiously. 

“I need you inside me.” He moaned as Brian teased his tight hole with the head of his dick. “Please, Brian!” 

With a slight chuckle, Brian slipped himself inside the young man slowly, trying to hang on to the mellow mood for as long as possible. Their lovemaking was slow and passionate. They moved in sync with the song.

“Brian!” Justin moaned, tangling his fingers in the sheets and throwing his head back, eyes squeezing shut. “Fuuuuck!” He almost screamed as he came all over his chest and stomach.

Brian slowed only for a moment before he continued thrusting into Justin slow and deep. He wasn’t sure whether it was the music, the weed, Justin, or a mixture of the three that made him want to drag their lovemaking out forever, but he did. He just wanted to enjoy the sensations that the slow fucking was creating for as long as he could.

***

Brian listened to the song, still on repeat as he felt Justin dozing in his arms. He wasn’t ready to let go, but he knew that he had to wake the younger man up. “Justin, come on, get up.” He said softly.

Justin groaned and snuggled closer into Brian’s chest.

“Come on, get up.” Brian pulled away and rolled off the bed. This woke Justin up and he looked at the clock.

“Shit. I have to go.” He got up and started pulling his clothes on. “Ethan’s going to shit. I’m so late!”

Brian simply nodded and walked towards the washroom. He was almost to the door when he stopped and, without turning, said, “You coming over again tomorrow?”

“Seven?” Justin asked quietly. They had the same conversation every time Justin came over and it was starting to kill them both.

Brian turned, looked Justin in the eyes, and nodded. “Can you turn off the stereo on your way out?”

“Of course.” Justin nodded. He watched Brian walk into the washroom and close the door before sitting down on the bed and putting his head in his hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Brian looked up just as Justin walked into Babylon. “What the hell is he doing here?” Brian grumbled to himself. In the time since their “break up” Justin had barely ventured to visit Liberty Avenue, never mind the club where all of the drama had unfolded.

When Justin saw Brian perched at his regular cruising spot, the upstairs railing the looked down over the dance floor, he immediately made his way up there. He was acutely aware that Brian was watching his every move, which made him even more nervous.

“Well, well, well, what the hell are you doing here, Sunshine?” Brian asked, feigning disinterest. He tried to keep his eyes on the dance floor, and on the trick he had been watching for about a half hour, but they kept straying to get just a glimpse of Justin’s beautiful face.

“We need to talk.” Justin said stiffly. He knew that every eye in the place would soon be on the two of them as soon as people realized that they were talking, and he didn’t want to give anything away.

“Now, what would you and I have to talk about?” Brian asked, tongue in cheek.

“Please, Brian? Can we go somewhere and talk?” Justin pleaded. When Brian finally turned to look at him and saw the need in Justin’s eyes. He knew that something serious had to be bothering the young man so he leaned in a whispered for him to meet him at the loft in a half hour. “Thank you, Brian.”

Brian finally let the breath he had been holding in out when the boy disappeared out the doors of the club. He looked around to see if the guys had seen what transpired. He met Emmett’s eyes, and saw the glimmer of knowing there.

“Fuck.” He muttered under his breath. It seemed that Emmett had some sort of sixth sense when it came to Brian and Justin. Brian knew that Emmett would have filled everyone in by morning and that he would have to make up some sort of excuse for Justin’s little visit.

***

“I said half an hour.” Brian muttered as he let the frazzled looking young man into the loft. Justin’s cheeks were pink and his eyes were puffy. “You’re fucking late.”

“Sorry. I just walked around for a while… lost track of time.” Justin kicked his shoes off and walked into the living room.

“Whatever the fuck. What the hell were you thinking coming to Babylon to talk to me? I thought we agreed that no one could know!” Brian was angry now. He had been thinking about the fall out that he would have to deal with from his friends later, and he was none too happy about it.

“I’m sorry… I just… I needed to talk to you and your cell phone was off.” Justin was more nervous than Brian had ever seen him and he decided he shouldn’t be so hard on the boy. Something bad had to have happened for him to be this upset.

“What’s wrong, Justin? Why did you need to talk to me?” Brian asked gently, sitting down next to the boy on the couch.

“Ethan knows. He fucking found out. He followed me here the other night and he knows what’s been going on.” Justin sniffled and Brian saw a tear fall from his eye. 

A sudden burst of rage surged through Brian’s veins as he stood and stalked towards the kitchen. “And why the fuck is that any of my concern?” He exclaimed vehemently.

“Brian…” Justin was still sniffling.

“Listen, kid, I’m not the one who’s cheating on my boyfriend, alright? You knew that there was a chance he was going to catch you, but you still came to me. You fucking begged for it. So don’t come here and cry to me because you got caught!” Brian raked his fingers through his hair and grabbed the Jim Beam bottle off the counter, taking a long swig from it.

“Brian, you don’t understand…”

“Fuck you!” Brian took another long deep swig. “You have friends you should have come to with this! I have absolutely no fucking sympathy for you! If I have sympathy for anyone, it’s Ethan. He was too fucking stupid to realize that you couldn’t be faithful.”

“Don’t say that.” Justin said, anger rising in his voice. He caught Brian’s gaze and stared at him hard. “I wasn’t cheating on him with just anyone, I was cheating on him with you.”

“And that’s supposed to make it okay?” Brian scoffed and broke eye contact with the younger man. 

“He knew that I was still in love with you…” Justin paused. “Which is why he said that he’s willing to give it another try with me… as long as I don’t see you ever again.”

“Oh, is that all it will take?” Brian asked sarcastically, the hurt at what Justin was saying stabbing at his heart.

“Brian…” Justin pleaded.

“What are you gunna tell Deb? And the guys? And the Munchers? Are you going to still be able to visit Gus, or is that going to be against the rules?” Justin could see the anger and hurt in Brian’s eyes and it broke his heart.

“I don’t know.” He said, ashamed.

“Fuck you! And fuck your perfect boyfriend! I hope the two of you are suitably miserable together.” With that said, Brian turned on his heel and walked into the bedroom. He waited painfully for the sound of Justin leaving, so that he could fall apart, but it didn’t come.

“Bri…” Justin said quietly from behind him, startling him.

“I want you the fuck out.” Brian growled.

“I thought that we could maybe… one last time.” Justin said quietly. “I don’t want to leave it this way.”

“Oh, so if I fuck you, we’ll be leaving things a different way?” Brian demanded, turning quickly to give Justin a look to kill.

“One last time, please?” Justin pleaded, crawling across the bed towards Brian. “I need this.” 

Brian felt his defenses crumbling as he watched the boy crawl towards him seductively. He felt a tightening in his groin and he knew it was over. He knew that he would give the young man anything that he wanted, even knowing that once he was out that door it was over forever. Justin was going to get what he needed from him and he was going to move on. He didn’t even care that he was breaking Brian more and more every day.

“Take your fucking clothes off.” Brian demanded. He decided that if he was going to give Justin what he wanted, he was going to at least be in control.

Justin did as he was told and soon lay naked beneath Brian. The two men attached each other’s mouth like two men possessed, their hands trying to memorize every part of the other’s body. Need overtook them and soon they were lost in the passion.

***

“Get out. Go back to your fiddler.” Brian said angrily, pushing the panting blond off of him. He rolled off the bed and pulled his robe on.

“I’m going to miss you, Brian.” Justin said softly as he began pulling his clothes back on. “I’m sorry it had to be this way.”

“I’m sure you are.” Brian said, his voice dripping with disdain, as he walked down the stairs and picked up the bottle of JB again, taking a nice long swig. He knew that as soon as the boy left the loft, he wanted to feel as numb as possible.

“Listen, if this thing with Ethan doesn’t work out…” Justin began, but Brian swiftly cut him off.

“What? You’ll want to resume your place in my bed? You’ll want me to fuck you again?” Brian knew that he should shut up, but didn’t. “Fuck that! You’ve made your choice, now fucking live with it. Get the hell out of here. Have a nice life. And don’t ever fucking try to contact me again.”

“But, Brian…”

“Good-bye, Justin.” Brian said firmly, his tone indicating to Justin that the conversation was over. 

“Good-bye, Bri.” Justin walked over to the older man, wrapped his arms around him, and took a deep breath to inhale the scent he had grown to love. Brian stood stock still, refusing to betray his emotions by returning the embrace.

When Justin finally let go, Brian grabbed the bottle of JB and walked back towards the bedroom. “Set the alarm when you leave.” He said coldly, refusing to turn back.

Justin nodded silently and left the loft without a word. When the door was closed, he collapsed to the floor; his body wracked with sobs, now sure that he’d made the wrong decision… yet again.

Inside the loft, Brian’s reaction was quite similar. The bottle of Beam forgotten, spilled all over the bedroom floor, Brian sat in the corner of the room, emotionless. He was still unable to believe that the young man was gone… for good.


	3. Chapter 3

Justin POV

"Why did you choose me again?" Ethan asked, a tear on his cheek, two days after I said goodbye to Brian for the last time. I had been regretting my decision and it was obvious to anyone who I talked to. Including Ethan.

"I want us to work out, Ethan." I pleaded with him. 

"No, you don't. I give you something that he couldn't, and that's the only reason that you're here. Problem is, he gave you a lot of things that I can't." Ethan was full out crying now and I knew right at that moment that he was ending it. It made me angry.

"So, that's it then?" I asked, my anger evident in the tone of my voice. "I choose you over Brian again, this time pushing him away for good, and you're ending it?"

"See, Justin? The only reason you're mad I'm ending it is because you don't think you can get Brian back now." Ethan wiped his eyes. "I asked you to choose between him or me because I thought you might actually wise up and choose to be with the man you love. And that's not me." Sounding and looking defeated, Ethan made his way to the door. 

"Where are you going?" I demanded.

"Somewhere else. I need you to be gone when I get back." With that, he closed the door. And the silence was deafening as I came to terms with the fact that I had fucked up again and this time, I was alone because of it.

As I started packing my things I thought about Brian's words "You’ve made your choice, now fucking live with it. Get the hell out of here. Have a nice life. And don’t ever fucking try to contact me again." Did he really mean it? Did he really want me out of his life forever? 

"Maybe I should just be alone for a while..." I said with a sigh as I started packing my things, moving on to wondering where I was going to live.

***

Brian POV

"So, guess who has taken up camp on my couch?" Michael asked me, pacing in front of me. I already knew the answer. I had gone by earlier to see Mikey thinking maybe he could make me feel better. I saw Justin unpacking his things from Daphne's car. Apparently his never seeing me again wasn't enough for the Fabulous Fiddler.

"Justin?" I decided that I didn't want to play the guessing game with Michael, not at all in the mood.

"Yes! Emmett invited him! They're sitting around in their pajama's watching old movies and eating ice cream by the pint! You'd think that the fucking sky was falling!" Michael obviously wasn't impressed with Justin's presence in the apartment and I knew why. He always was too protective of me, never able to put aside my feelings to determine his own.

"So veto it." 

"I tried!" Michael cried. "Emmett got all queeny and started hissing at me that his little Sunshine was absolutely devastated that he lost the love of his life." That stung. I wondered how it was possible that my very best friend didn't know me well enough to know that his calling Ethan the love of Justin's... my Justin's... life would fucking hurt.

"So stay with Ben for a few days. And the shut the fuck up about it." I turned and walked to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of Beam from the counter. A couple shots of bourbon and I'd be on my way to a nice little buzz to get me through the evening. Seemed like the last few days had been a constant drug and alcohol inflicted haze and I preferred to keep it that way. Life without Justin was so much easier with the numbing effects of alcohol dulling the pain.

How pathetic am I? I asked myself, looking down at the bottle.

“I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that little shit being underfoot all the time.” Michael went on as if I had never spoken. I rolled my eyes, thinking to myself that my best friend had absolutely no clue.

“Mikey?” I said, sarcasm dripping in my tone as I said his name, waiting until I had his attention to speak again. “Why don’t you shut up and deal with it instead of sitting there whining about it?”

I lost myself in the oblivion provided to me by the bottle of Beam as Michael went on and on about how great things were with Ben and how things at the comic book store were starting to really pick up.

“I put out an ad for a new artist to illustrate Rage.” This comment caught my attention. “The first issue is almost all gone and there’s a huge demand for another one.”

“Have you talked to Justin about that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Why should I talk to him about it?” Michael asked, looking proud of himself.

“Because he is one of the creators of Rage and he has rights.” I told him, pushing my fingers through my hair and sighing. “If you don’t want a lawsuit on your hands, you better talk to him.”

“I don’t want to talk to that little shit.” Michael said, crossing his arms and looking something like a three year old who didn’t want to go to bed.

“What’s your big problem with him anyways?” I asked, knowing the answer but wanting a reason to tell him to stop being a child.

“He cheated on you.” 

“So? How exactly did that effect you? He didn’t do anything to you, Michael, so I suggest you grow up and stop feeling things on my behalf.” There, it was out. But, to be honest, I didn’t feel any better. 

“I’m just trying to be your friend, Brian!” Michael exclaimed.

“We’re not in junior high anymore, Michael. You can be my friend and his friend too.” I shook my head and knocked back some more of my Beam. “Michael, I think you’d better go.” I said quietly, needing him to be gone. Talking about Justin was killing me, and he didn’t even realize it. I started thinking to myself that Justin would have been able to tell I was upset about something just by my body language. 

“But Brian…” Michael started to whine and I had to stop myself from saying something hurtful. 

“Now, Michael.” I said in the firm tone of voice that I use when I’m saying no to Gus.

“Good night, Brian.” Michael said quietly, knowing that the conversation was over. Just as I was about to close the door, Michael turned. “If you love him still, fight for him.” With that, I closed the door and walked back to the couch.

How had I been so wrong to think Michael was so clueless about what I was feeling. I mean, he was my oldest friend, he knew me pretty well. Or was my mask starting to crack? Could everyone see what was wrong with me? I shook those thoughts off, telling myself that everyone still thought I was the Brian Kinney who didn’t give a shit. But I wasn’t. And that drove me crazy.

***

Justin POV

I had to admit that being with Emmett was making me feel a little better. Sure, he coddled me a little too much and definitely tried to feed me too much, but I felt like he really understood. I think he knew, without needing words, that it wasn’t heartbreak over losing Ethan that I was feeling. It was that I was finally feeling the heartbreak of really losing Brian. Emmett just sat with me, silent when he wasn’t trying to stuff food into my mouth.

I sat there and thought about all of the things that had happened to get me to the point I was at. It had all started that first night when I ventured out of my safe, quiet suburban life in search of something that would make me feel alive. And I found him. Maybe that’s why I felt like I was dying inside after losing him.

I was definitely taking on characteristics of the drama princess Brian accused me of being all that time ago. I kept telling myself that it was okay, that I was allowed to be like this after all that happened. I mean, after the bashing I felt paralyzed with fear, but I never cried about it. Not directly anyways. Real men don’t cry, my dad always used to tell me. But I guess by my dad’s standards, I’m not a real man anyways.

And after leaving Brian, choosing Ethan instead, I never cried. I told myself that I was getting a better deal this way. I’d have a man all to myself, I’d have the romantic sentiments that the idealist teenager part of me longed for. I never admitted to myself that while I wanted all those things, the only person I wanted them from was Brian. Ethan was nothing in comparison. 

Even when Ethan told me to choose never to see Brian again or choose to lose him, I chose against Brian. I still couldn’t figure out why, maybe I was hoping I’d somehow find the blinding, passionate love that I felt with Brian with Ethan after all. Man, was I wrong.

“Honey? Do you want some more ice cream?” Emmett asked me gently, slipping an arm around my shoulders. I think that there must have been a look on my face every time I thought about choosing Ethan because every time I did, Emmett offered me more food.

“I’m fine, Em. Thanks.” I tried to force a smile, but I’m sure it looked more like a look of distaste.

“Well, anything you need, baby, I’m here.” 

That made me feel good and I think a real smile appeared on my face… and then Michael walked in the door. I knew he hated me for what I had done to Brian, but I was sure that I hated myself more. When I looked up at him, I was surprised to see him looking at my curiously.

“Justin, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” Michael asked softly.

“Michael.” Emmett’s voice had a tone of warning and I know he was sure that Michael was about to go at me about Brian.

“It’s ok, Em. Can you leave us alone for a minute?” I asked. I wasn’t so sure myself that Michael wasn’t about to rip me a new one, but I wanted to hear what he had to say.

Emmett looked at me briefly and then exited the room, closing his bedroom door behind him. Michael opted to sit in a chair as apposed to sitting with me on the couch and I figured that the conversation coming wasn’t going to be pleasant.

“If we’re gunna be friends, I need to know something.” Michael said slowly, looking me directly in the eye. Unable to make myself speak, I simply nodded. “Why didn’t you choose Brian?”

I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. “I guess I thought Ethan had something that I needed that I couldn’t get from Brian.” I said quietly, my voice raspy.

“Love?” Michael asked, surprising me with his directness. I nodded. “He gave it to you, Justin. In the only ways he knew how.”

“I know.” I bit back the tears, willing myself not to cry in front of Michael. Sometime during my self pity party that day, I had figured that out and it only made the sting worse.

“I was talking to him today, complaining that you were here.” Michael took a moment to put his thoughts into words before continuing. “I hated you, until he told me to shut up and asked me what you did to me. I thought about that the whole way back here. And I realized what you did to me. You had the only thing I wanted for most of my life, and you gave it up.”

“Michael…” I began.

“No, let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “Until you came around, I was hoping that Brian would finally fall in love with me, like I had always hoped he would. And then, that first night, I knew you’d be different than any other trick.”

I wanted to speak, but I didn’t know what to say to him.

“And you were. He loves you, Justin. More that he’s ever loved anyone. Including me. If the reason that you’re not with him is because you don’t think he loves you, I’m telling you that he does.” Michael stopped and looked at me. I was so overcome with emotion that I jumped off the couch and threw my arms around him, letting the tears flow freely.

“Thank you, Michael.” I whispered, not knowing what else to say. I was overcome with emotion that Michael would say that to me.

“Do you love him?” He asked me, sounding as though he was on the verge of tears himself.

“More than anything.” I said, pulling back from Michael.

“Do something about it.” With that, Michael stood and left the room silently. I’m not sure how long I cried after he left, but I know it was a long time. I couldn’t stop the flow of tears caused by all the regrets I had over the mistakes I made.

I’m wrong again  
I guess I never understood the way you feel….


	4. Chapter 4

Brian POV

I was completely unprepared to see him at the diner that morning, wrapped protectively under Emmett’s arm. I thought back to a time when I would have walked over and pulled Emmett’s arm off him and pulled him into my arms for a passionate kiss. It hurt that those days were gone.

I was tempted to turn and walk out of the diner, to leave him believing that I really didn’t ever want to see him again, but my feet kept walking as though I was drawn to him like a magnet. He looked so sad and it killed me to know that he was feeling that way because he’d lost someone else, and not because he’d lost me.

“Morning, boys.” I said, putting on the nonchalant mask that I had perfected over the years.

A chorus of greetings came from the table, and then in a quite voice Justin said, “Hi, Brian.” The sadness in his voice forced me to look him in the eye, and the pain I saw there knocked the breath from my lungs. 

“Wish I could join you guys for breakfast, but I just came to grab a coffee.” I said once I had my breath back, walking towards the counter, I ordered a coffee to go. I knew that it would kill me to sit there, to see him that way, knowing that he was crying for Ethan.

“You’re not joining us?” Michael asked from behind me.

“Come on, Mikey.” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t want to sit there listening to Justin’s self pity about his fiddler boy breaking his little heart.” I hoped that he couldn’t hear the pain in my voice, but to my ears it was painfully obvious.

“You’re really stupid, you know that.” Michael said, turning and walking back to the booth. I wasn’t sure what he meant by it, but I wasn’t about to go back over to that booth and ask him. I just grabbed my coffee, threw some money on the counter, and left. 

During the drive to work I wondered what he meant by calling me stupid until a song on the tape in the deck, a compilation full of sappy love songs I hated that Lindsay had made for me, caught my attention.

I am ready for love  
Why are you hiding from me  
I’d quickly give up my freedom  
Just to live in your captivity

I thought about those words the rest of the way to work, all thoughts of what Michael had said having vanished as soon as I heard the soulful woman’s voice. I wondered if that was what it was to be ready for love. I wondered if that was how Justin had felt about me. I listened on and I thought about my own feelings in the past few months. Had I gotten to a point where I was ready to belong to someone? Or had I been there for longer than I let myself admit? 

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I had been there for months. If I hadn’t have been there I wouldn’t have agreed to those ridiculous rules that Justin made, and I certainly wouldn’t have followed them.

Damn.

That was when I knew it. Justin held me in captivity and he didn’t even know it. And the thought scared the shit out of me and excited me at the same time. What I wasn’t sure of was whether I was ready to trust him with that knowledge yet… Being ready for love and being ready for heart break are two very different things.

***

Justin POV

When Emmett insisted that the next step after indulging in comfort food and watching girlie movies to cure a broken heart was going out and partying, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it. He wanted to take me to Babylon and dance the night away, but I was sure the memories of all the time shared with Brian at the club would be worse for me than anything. 

“I think I just wanna stay in tonight, Em.” I insisted. However, Emmett wouldn’t be dissuaded. He went through all my clothes and picked something suitably cute for me to wear. He even did my hair, securing my belief that Emmett was a woman in another life.

“Come on, baby. We’re gunna go out and party with the hottest gay boys in Pittsburgh and I promise you’ll feel like a million bucks by the time we leave.” Emmett smiled, did a little sashay, and went to find himself something to wear.

As I waited for Emmett to make himself look suitably pretty for all the boys that would be flocking to Babylon, I wondered whether I would see Brian there. I wondered if the man would ignore me at the club like he had at the diner earlier that day. I don’t know what I was expecting from him. I really had no right to expect anything after I told him I could never see him again, and then showed up in one of “his places” with all his friends. 

“He must know that Ethan and I are over…” I said to myself quietly. Before I could think about it for another moment, Emmett sashayed out of his bedroom, looking like an eggplant in dark purple velvet pants and a matching vest.

“Well, darling, let us away.” Emmett said with a flourish, taking my hand and leading me out of the apartment.

When we arrived at Babylon, I surprised myself by being happy to be there. It was kind of nice to be at the club again. During my relationship with Ethan, the only time I was there was when I came to find Brian to tell him about Ethan’s ultimatum and my decision regarding it.

Pushing those thoughts from my head, I followed Emmett inside and directly to the bar, where I let him buy me a martini. After we had finished our drinks, and cruised every guy that walked by, we headed out to the dance floor. We had probably been dancing for five minutes when I sensed something and turned around. There he was. Brian. Standing by the bar, drink in hand, watching me intently.

Like a moth to a flame, I drifted towards him. I was sure that nothing good could come of me going over there, but I went anyways. It was like that with Brian, no matter what the consequences, I was drawn to him.

“Well, hello, Sunshine.” He said, with a sarcastic grin on his face. “Looks like you got over your current heart break in record time.” 

“Emmett dragged me here.” I informed him. He knew that I wasn’t heartbroken over Ethan. He had to know that! Or did he? “I didn’t need more than a few minutes to get over Ethan.”

“Then what was with the weepy face this morning at the diner and the moping around with Emmett last night?” Brian asked. I saw something in his eyes that I recognized and I knew that he regretted the question. He was probably thinking it made him sound weak, but to my ears the question made him so strong, so much stronger than me.

“You really wanna know?” I challenged him.

“Whatever…” The casual tone in Brian’s voice was obviously being forced and I decided that he did want to know.

“I’m upset because I made the wrong decision. Again.” I told him, holding his stare, waiting for a reaction. Unfortunately, he kept the mask on. He simply nodded, lifted his glass to me, and walked away. “Fuck!” I cursed myself. “Nice one, Justin. You made him leave.”

***

Brian POV

As I walked out of Babylon, I was reeling. Had Justin really just told me what I think he told me? Was the wrong decision he made choosing Ethan over me? It had to be! I wanted to smile because I now knew that he at least still wanted me, and maybe he even still loved me. But I also wanted to scream because knowing that he wanted me made it somehow harder for me to decide what to do about the situation.

I knew that I could probably walk back into Babylon, grab him, and drag him back to the loft and he would come willingly. Sex was never a problem with Justin and I. But if I did that, we would be right back to where we were… and it would end again, just like it had before.

No, taking him to the loft that night wasn’t an option. 

So I hopped in the Jeep and grudgingly went to talk to the one person who I knew wouldn’t look at me as though I was crazy when I told her how I was feeling. All Debbie had to do was look at me and she knew. She was just like that.

When Debbie opened the door to find me standing on her porch, she didn’t look the least bit impressed… until she looked into my eyes, that is. Her expression softened and she pulled me inside, ready to mother me. “What’s the matter, Brian?” She asked with genuine concern. 

“I need…” I wanted to stop right there and run out of her house, but I knew that she was my only hope if I was going to do the right thing. “I need your advice.”

“Of course, honey.” She started making some tea and came back to sit with me at the kitchen table. I wondered if this was how other people were with their own mothers. God knows, my mom and I never would have been able to do this.

I went into the whole story, even telling her about the times Justin was coming over to my loft while he was still with Ethan and how he chose the young fiddler over me again. I told her about what Michael said at the diner in the morning, and about what Justin said at Babylon. Once I was finished, I looked down at my hands. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life and was sure that I never wanted to feel it again. 

“What’s the problem then?” She asked me. “It’s obvious he still loves you.”

“The problem is that I don’t know what to do about it.” I shook my head, finally looking up into her eyes. “I don’t want to fuck things up like the last time.”

“Well, kid, I’m starting to think you’re the most mature one in the group now.” Debbie had a look of pride on her face, so I bit back the chuckle that was threatening to escape my lips. 

“So, how exactly do I not fuck things up?” I asked again, not really wanting to get into a conversation about my maturity.

“I don’t know if I can help you there, Brian.” Debbie shook her head. “I think you have to figure out how to go at it.”

“The only thing I can think of is to take him back to the loft and fuck him.” I said, wanting to pound my fist on the table in frustration.

“Just remember that that’s how this whole thing started.” Debbie seemed like she knew something that I didn’t, but expected me to figure it out on my own. Damn but she irritated me sometimes.

“So I should just go back to Babylon and get him?” I asked. The idea was really starting to appeal to me. I kissed Debbie goodbye and ran back out to my Jeep. I was starting to tell myself that he and I could talk or something after we fucked. It was at least a way to get him back there.

When I walked into the club, I saw him immediately. Emmett had him on the dance floor and they were dancing around like fools. I hoped that Justin hadn’t had too much to drink, because I wanted him sober when I took him home.

I walked, with complete confidence, out to the dance floor and pushed Emmett away from my boy gently. He looked at my with a knowing grin and left the dance floor without a word. When I turned back to Justin he was looking at me curiously.

“Want to get out of here?” I whispered against his ear.

“More than anything.” He returned. I took his hand and pulled him towards the exit, optimistic about what the rest of the evening would bring.

***

Justin POV

During the drive back to the loft, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The signals that Brian had been sending me over the past few days were so varied that I wasn’t sure whether he was taking me there to fuck me or to hurt me. And if he was taking me there to fuck me, I wondered what it meant. Brian had always told me what he couldn’t say with fucking. I’m not sure when I actually figured that out, but it was sometime after I left him. I guess I had to really think about it. 

“You, uh, want me to turn on the radio or something?” Brian asked me. He seemed unsure of himself and that was something that surprised me.

“No, I’m fine.” I said, looking over at him. He truly was the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. His features, while they aren’t perfectly chiseled, were perfectly placed on his face, as if he was molded by an artist. I knew that he kept his hair in that shaggy style because he thought it made him look sexier, and I’m pretty sure anyone who looked at him would agree. But I think he would look just as beautiful with just about any hair style.

I let my eyes travel down his body, drinking him in. His height made him seem so powerful even though he was one of the leanest people I’d ever met. I always thought of him as being long. He had a long, tight muscled torso, long beautifully toned legs, long sexy feet, and the long beautiful fingers that had touched nearly every inch on skin on my body. 

I felt a tightening in my groin and prayed that he was bringing me back to the loft to take me into his bed. I had never known more pleasure than when I was with Brian in bed. We fit together so perfectly, we knew just what would make the other shiver with pleasure. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself as the Jeep pulled to a stop outside Brian’s building.

“Uhm, you wanna come up, right?” Brian asked before he turned off the ignition. When I nodded, he seemed to become calmer. He turned off the ignition and jumped out. Before I could even get my seatbelt off, Brian was opening my door for me. When I looked at him quizzically, he just shrugged.

I wasn’t sure where the gesture had come from and I wasn’t sure how to take it. I was even more surprised when he took my hand as we crossed the street before entering the building. In the elevator we stared silently at each other, neither of us really sure what to say.

Once we were inside the loft, Brian threw his leather jacket on the couch and looked at me. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I stayed rooted in place. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. Could it be vulnerability?

“Do you, uh, want something to drink? I have water, orange juice, and beer.” He offered, looking inside the fridge.

“A bottle of water would be good.” I told him. I was confused about what was going on, so I was just going with the flow. In the car I was sure that Brian would have me half undressed by the time we reached his floor, but I was completely off.

“Here ya go.” He said, handing me the bottle. I smiled up at him before opening the bottle and taking a long swig. 

***

Brian POV

I was fucking terrified. Here he was, in my loft, and we were staring at each other silently, neither of us really sure what to say to the other. He looked so beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to drag him into my bed. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t right at that moment.

“Justin, we need to talk about everything that happened.” I finally said, sure that my voice sounded like that of a little kid.

“Yah, we do.” Justin agreed, sounding more sure of himself. I don’t know why, but I felt like he was so much more of a man than I was and I wasn’t so sure of myself anymore. I wanted so badly to tell him what I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure that I could do it. Maybe it was something left over from my childhood, a time when dear old Pop would laugh when I cried. “Do you want me to start?” Justin asked, taking the initiative.

I shook my head, took a gulp of my water, and prepared myself to speak. I figured that once I got started, it would just all come out. “I can’t believe it’s only been a few days since you told me you could never see me again. I was so fucking angry with you.”

“I made a mistake.” Justin said sadly, obviously sure that his admission wasn’t going to be enough. But somehow, it was. I’m not sure why, but knowing that he wished he would have chosen me made me feel a million times better.

“Do you want to try?” I asked him, surprising myself with the question, but obviously surprising him even more. He stayed silent for a few moments and I began to feel a little less confident about the situation.

“I want to, Brian. I do.” Justin’s voice sounded pained.

“But…?”

“But I don’t want it to be the same as it was before.” He said, looking away from me for a moment and then looking back and staring me straight in the eyes. “I’m not going to ask for monogamy, I know you can’t give me that yet. Maybe it will come with time and maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.”

“So what are you going to ask for?” I asked, surprising myself by being able to have this conversation with him. Maybe that song described me better than I thought, maybe I was really ready for love.

I am ready for love  
If you'll take me in your hands  
I will learn what you teach  
And do the best that I can

“I don’t want the tricking to be a part of our relationship. I don’t want to feel like I have to trick. And I don’t want to watch you fuck other people.” Justin’s voice was very clear and I knew that this was exactly what he wanted and that he wasn’t going to settle for less.

“I can do that.” I confirmed, wanting nothing more than to sweep him into my arms and carry him to the bedroom and let my actions speak for me. I knew that I had to hold back because fucking instead of talking was why our relationship had self destructed.

“You can?” He seemed more than a little surprised at the ease with which I agreed to what he wanted. I nodded and he stayed silent for a moment. “I want romance.” When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’m not asking you to bring me flowers and take me on elaborate dates. I just want the simple sentiments. I need to know that I’m more than just a good friend that you sleep with.”

“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way before.” I said quietly. “You’re so much more than that. I promise you I’ll try to be better to you.”

“What do you want?” I was surprised that he asked me that because I was sure that the only reason our relationship ended was because of my short comings and his not getting what he needed.

“I just want you. Life feels better with you in it.” I couldn’t believe that those words came out of my mouth, but I knew deep down that they were completely true. Before Justin I was just coasting through life, never really feeling alive. And then he appeared and suddenly it seemed worth it to really live.

I was so lost in my musings that I didn’t notice Justin set his water down on the table and bound towards me. When he launched himself at me and started kissing me with intense passion I almost fell over. Once I regained my balance, I captured his lips with my own and began kissing him back.

I was shocked when he pulled back and smiled at me. “I have an idea.” I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or scared about Justin’s idea, so I kept quite. “Where’s that Bob Marley CD?”

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“That song, Turn Your Lights Down Low, I want to play it while we make love.” He had a sparkle in his eyes that I hadn’t seen for a long time and I felt a smile come to my face. 

“Meet me in bed… I’ll put it on.” He bounded towards the bedroom as I made my way to the stereo and turned on the Marley CD. 

After the song started playing, I smiled and walked towards the bedroom. I knew that things with Justin would be okay now, I just needed to learn how to communicate and trust him. And he had to learn to trust me too… but he’s a fast learner, and I was planning to put a lot of effort into my education… and I knew he would help.


End file.
